An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day. Irv Kupcinet
Coexistence… what the farmer does with the turkey until Thanksgiving. Mike Connolly
I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land. Jon Stewart
It must be an odd feeling to be thankful to nobody in particular. Christians in public institutions often see this odd thing happening on Thanksgiving Day. Everyone in the institution seems to be thankful ‘in general.’ It’s very strange. It’s a little like being married in general. Cornelius Plantinga, Jr.
It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak. Phyllis Diller
May your stuffing be tasty
May your turkey plump,
May your potatoes and gravy
Have nary a lump.
May your yams be delicious
And your pies take the prize,
And may your Thanksgiving dinner
Stay off your thighs!
On Thanksgiving Day, all over America, families sit down to dinner at the same moment—halftime. Unknown
Thanksgiving, man! Not a good day to be my pants. Kevin James
Thanksgiving is America’s national chow-down feast, the one occasion each year when gluttony becomes a patriotic duty. Michael Dresser
Thanksgiving is so called because we are all so thankful that it only comes once a year. P.J. O’Rourke
The funny thing about Thanksgiving, or any huge meal, is that you spend 12 hours shopping for it and then chopping and cooking and braising and blanching.
Then it takes 20 minutes to eat it and everybody sort of sits around in a food coma, and then it takes four hours to clean it up. Ted Allen
There are a lot of New York City Thanksgiving traditions. For example, a lot of New Yorkers don’t buy the frozen Thanksgiving turkey. They prefer to buy the bird live and then push it in front of a subway train. David Letterman
This Thanksgiving is gonna be a special one. My mom says I don’t have to sit at the card table. Jim Samuels
What we’re really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving? Erma Bombeck
You know that just before that first Thanksgiving dinner there was one wise, old Native American woman saying, Don’t feed them. If you feed them, they’ll never leave. Dylan Brody