Funny Thanksgiving Quotes


  • Got no checkbooks, got no banks. Still I’d like to express my thanks. Irving Berlin


  • I love Thanksgiving turkey…it’s the only time in Los Angeles that you see natural breasts. Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Funny Thanksgiving quote


  •  Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother’s tasted better the day before. Rita Rudner


  • My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor. Phyllis Diller


  • My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow. Rita Rudner

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More Funny Thanksgiving Quotes

An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day. Irv Kupcinet

Coexistence… what the farmer does with the turkey until Thanksgiving. Mike Connolly

I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land. Jon Stewart

It must be an odd feeling to be thankful to nobody in particular. Christians in public institutions often see this odd thing happening on Thanksgiving Day. Everyone in the institution seems to be thankful ‘in general.’ It’s very strange. It’s a little like being married in general. Cornelius Plantinga, Jr.

It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak. Phyllis Diller

May your stuffing be tasty
May your turkey plump,
May your potatoes and gravy
Have nary a lump.
May your yams be delicious
And your pies take the prize,
And may your Thanksgiving dinner
Stay off your thighs!

On Thanksgiving Day, all over America, families sit down to dinner at the same moment—halftime. Unknown

Thanksgiving, man! Not a good day to be my pants. Kevin James

Thanksgiving is America’s national chow-down feast, the one occasion each year when gluttony becomes a patriotic duty. Michael Dresser

Thanksgiving is so called because we are all so thankful that it only comes once a year. P.J. O’Rourke

The funny thing about Thanksgiving, or any huge meal, is that you spend 12 hours shopping for it and then chopping and cooking and braising and blanching.

Then it takes 20 minutes to eat it and everybody sort of sits around in a food coma, and then it takes four hours to clean it up. Ted Allen

There are a lot of New York City Thanksgiving traditions. For example, a lot of New Yorkers don’t buy the frozen Thanksgiving turkey. They prefer to buy the bird live and then push it in front of a subway train. David Letterman

This Thanksgiving is gonna be a special one. My mom says I don’t have to sit at the card table. Jim Samuels

What we’re really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving? Erma Bombeck

You know that just before that first Thanksgiving dinner there was one wise, old Native American woman saying, Don’t feed them. If you feed them, they’ll never leave. Dylan Brody

 More Funny Thanksgiving Quotes

Thanksgiving Quotes Inspirational

    • As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them. John Fitzgerald Kennedy


      • A thankful heart is not only the greatest virtue, but the parent of all the other virtues. Cicero


        • Celebrate the happiness that friends are always giving, make every day a holiday and celebrate just living! Amanda Bradley


          • Feeling grateful or appreciative of someone or something in your life actually attracts more of the things that you appreciate and value into your life. Northrup Christiane


          Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is 

          like wrapping a present and not giving it. 

          William Arthur Ward

           A great way to begin your day
          is by saying thank you…

          For each new morning with its light,
          For rest and shelter of the night
          For health and food, for love and friends,
          For everything Thy goodness sends.

          Ralph Waldo Emerson



            • God gave you a gift of 86,400 seconds today. Have you used one to say ‘thank you?’ William A. Ward


              • Gratitude is the fairest blossom which springs from the soul. Henry Ward Beecher


                • Gratitude is the heart’s memory. French Proverb


                  • Gratitude is the least of the virtues, but ingratitude is the worst of vices. Thomas Fuller

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                  Thanksgiving Prayers

                  Dear Jesus, thank you for loving us;
                  and providing us with bountiful food

                  and warm shelter; Your best gift of all
                  is the warmth we have with each other.
                  Every moment of our lives is precious

                  because of what You have given us.
                  We are grateful for all You have given 
                  and for the times our family has together.
                  We thank you for this good fortune 
                  of knowing Your profound Love. 

                  Bless us, O Lord, and these
                  thy gifts which we are about
                  to receive from thy bounty,
                  through Christ our Lord.


                  2010 Affil general Thanksgiving Prayers

                  Dear Lord, thank you for this food.
                  Bless the hands that prepared it.
                  Bless it to our use and us to your service.
                  And make us ever mindful of the needs of others.
                  Through Christ our Lord we pray.

                  Thank You for the food we eat.
                  Thank You for the world so sweet.
                  Thank You for the birds that sing.
                  Thank You, God, for everything.

                  Without Thy sunshine and Thy rain
                  We could not have the golden grain.
                  Without Thy love we’d not be fed;
                  We thank Thee for our daily bread.

                  For flowers that bloom about our feet;
                  For tender grass, so fresh, so sweet;
                  For song of bird, and hum of bee;
                  For all things fair we hear or see,
                  Father in heaven, we thank Thee!”
                  Ralph Waldo Emerson

                  For each new morning with its light,
                  For rest and shelter of the night,
                  For health and food, for love and friends,
                  For everything Thy goodness sends.

                  Ralph Waldo Emerson

                  © Anita Patterson Peppers. Image from
                  father teaching child how to pray Thanksgiving Prayers