Stupid Quotes

Maybe when some of these stupid quotes were written, ‘the lights were on but there was no one at home’. Whether you call them noodle headed, woodenheaded, blockheaded, or empty-headed, the following stupid but funny life quotes are ideally suited to…well…plumb stupid. There are some funny quotes by the comic geniuses such as Bill Cosby, Mark Twain, Chevy Chase, Groucho Marx, and even Albert Einstein. As well as stupid quotes by some unknown noodle heads. So take a look at the stupid but funny side of life!

Stupid but Funny Quotes about Life

Those who can’t laugh at themselves leave the job to others. Unknown

A man came to my door and said, ‘I’d like to read your gas meter.”  I said, ‘Whatever happened to the classics. Emo Philips.

A word to the wise ain’t necessary – it’s the stupid ones that need the advice. Bill Cosby

A day without sunshine is like night. Unknown

Advice for the day:If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle:”Take two aspirin” and “Keep away from children. Unknown

Any fool can make a rule, and any fool will mind it. Henry David Thoreau

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot. Groucho Marx

Don’t you wish stupid people had a sign they were required to carry just to give the rest of us fair warning? Unknown

He did nothing in particular, and did it very well. W.S. Gilbert.

“Hi! I’m probably home. I’m just avoiding someone I don’t like. Leave a message. If I don’t call back, it’s you.” Answering Machine Message

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Yogi Berra Quotes: Baseball is 90% mental…

Top 100… Yogi Berra Quotes

 Yogi Berra Quotes: Baseball is 90% mental...

Yogi Berra in 1981. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Yogi has always had a way of saying things that is comical, apt, pointed, and even basically true, although somewhat convoluted. His little quips and pithy sayings have come to be known as Yogi-isms. Not surprisingly, some of these comments were actually not even made by the All-Star catcher and baseball manager. But enough of them came from his lips to go ahead and give him credit for the rest of them. After all, he created a type of speaking unique enough to have a new word coined to explain his method of communicating.

Here are 100 of his sayings, in no particular order. They are gleaned from various public sources, and are therefore reproducible when he is given proper credit. Go ahead… laugh out loud at some of these classic Yogi-isms. “It’s like déjà vu… all over again!”

“You can observe a lot just by watching.”

“I want to thank you for making this night necessary.” On Yogi Berra Appreciation Day in St. Louis in 1947.

“You better cut the pizza in four pieces because I’m not hungry enough to eat six.”

“It gets late early out there.” Referring to the bad sun conditions in left field at the stadium.

“I take a two hour nap, from one o’clock to four.”

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Funny Thanksgiving Quotes

 

  • Got no checkbooks, got no banks. Still I’d like to express my thanks. Irving Berlin

 

  • I love Thanksgiving turkey…it’s the only time in Los Angeles that you see natural breasts. Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Funny Thanksgiving quote

 

  •  Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother’s tasted better the day before. Rita Rudner

 

  • My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor. Phyllis Diller

 

  • My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow. Rita Rudner

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Funny Money Quotes

Enjoy the following funny money quotes. Many are hilarious!

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it. Bob Hope

A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it rains. Robert Frost

A bargain is something you can’t use at a price you can’t resist. Franklin Jones

A man has one hundred dollars and you leave him with two dollars, that’s subtraction. Artemus Ward

A creative economy is the fuel of magnificence. Ralph Waldo Emerson

A dollar picked up in the road is more satisfaction to us than the 99 which we had to work for, and the money won at Faro or in the stock market snuggles into our hearts in the same way. Mark Twain

A feast is made for laughter, and wind maketh it merry: but money answereth all things. the Bible, Ecclesiastes 10:19

A lot of people become pessimists from financing optimists. C.T. Jones

A man is usually more careful of his money than of his principles. Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.A nickel ain’t worth a dime anymore. Yogi Berra

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money. W.C. Fields

Acquaintance: A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to. Ambrose Bierce
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Funny Life Quotes

Airplanes Saturn  300x225 Funny Life Quotes

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage. Mark Russell

A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized. Fred Allen

A compromise is an agreement whereby both parties get what neither of them wanted. Unknown

A gentleman is a man who can play the accordion but doesn’t. Unknown

Ability is what will get you to the top if the boss has no daughter. Unknown

A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid. Jack Benny

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