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Funny Money Quotes

Enjoy the following funny money quotes. Many are hilarious!

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it. Bob Hope

A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it rains. Robert Frost

A bargain is something you can’t use at a price you can’t resist. Franklin Jones

A man has one hundred dollars and you leave him with two dollars, that’s subtraction. Artemus Ward

A creative economy is the fuel of magnificence. Ralph Waldo Emerson

A dollar picked up in the road is more satisfaction to us than the 99 which we had to work for, and the money won at Faro or in the stock market snuggles into our hearts in the same way. Mark Twain

A feast is made for laughter, and wind maketh it merry: but money answereth all things. the Bible, Ecclesiastes 10:19

A lot of people become pessimists from financing optimists. C.T. Jones

A man is usually more careful of his money than of his principles. Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.A nickel ain’t worth a dime anymore. Yogi Berra

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money. W.C. Fields

Acquaintance: A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to. Ambrose Bierce

Alexander Hamilton originated the put and take system in our national treasury: the taxpayers put it in, and the politicians take it out. Will Rogers

Annual income twenty pounds, annual expenditure nineteen ninety six (£19.96), result happiness. Annual income twenty pounds, annual expenditure twenty pounds ought and six (£20.06), result misery. Charles Dickens

Be glad that you’re greedy; the national economy would collapse if you weren’t. Mignon McLaughlin

Borrow fivers off everyone you meet. Richard Branson

Budget: a mathematical confirmation of your suspicions. A.A. Latimer

Business is the art of extracting money from another man’s pocket without resorting to violence. Max Amsterdam

Contentment makes poor men rich; discontentment makes rich men poor. Benjamin Franklin

Credit is a system whereby a person who can’t pay gets another person who can’t pay to guarantee that he can pay. Charles Dickens

Don’t marry for money. You can borrow it cheaper. Scottish proverb

Don’t stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed. George Burns

Economists report that a college education adds many thousands of dollars to a man’s lifetime income – which he then spends sending his son to college. Bill Vaughn

Empty pockets never held anyone back. Only empty heads and empty hearts can do that. Norman Vincent Peale

Ever notice how it’s a penny for your thoughts, yet you put in your two cents? Someone is making a penny on the deal! Stephen Wright

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward. George Carlin

Every morning I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work. Robert Orben

Everyone should have enough money to get plastic surgery.  Beverly Johnson

Finance is the art of passing currency from hand to hand until it finally disappears.  Robert W. Sarnoff

He is rich or poor according to what he is, not according to what he has. Henry Ward Beecher

He that is of the opinion money will do everything may well be suspected of doing everything for money. Benjamin Franklin

Honesty is the best policy — when there is money in it. Mark Twain

I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position. Mark Twain

I believe in the Golden Rule — The Man with the Gold . . . Rules.  Mr. T

I cannot afford to waste my time making money. Louis Agassiz

I don’t like money, actually, but it quiets my nerves. Joe Louis

I don’t mind going back to daylight saving time. With inflation, the hour will be the only thing I’ve saved all year. Victor Borge

I finally know what distinguishes man from other beasts: financial worries.  Jules Renard

I have always said that if I were a rich man, I would employ a professional praiser. Osbert Sitwell

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something. Jackie Mason

I have never been in a situation where having money made it worse. Clinton Jones

I love to go to Washington, if only to be nearer my money. Bob Hope

I made my money the old fashioned way. I was very nice to a wealthy relative right before he died. Malcolm Forbes

I told the Inland Revenue I didn’t owe them a penny because I lived near the seaside. Ken Dodd

I’m as poor as a church mouse, that’s just had an enormous tax bill on the very day his wife ran off with another mouse, taking all the cheese. Rowan Atkinson

I’m so poor I can’t even pay attention. Ron Kittle

I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons. Douglas Adams

If God only gave me a clear sign, like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank. Woody Allen

If all the rich people in the world divided up their money among themselves, there wouldn’t be enough to go around. Christina Stead

If hard work were such a wonderful thing, surely the rich would have kept it all to themselves. Lane Kirkland

If inflation continues to soar, you’re going to have to work like a dog just to live like one. George Gobel

If money is your hope for independence you will never have it. The only real security that a man will have in this world is a reserve of knowledge, experience, and ability. Henry Ford

If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning. Aristotle Onassis

If you make money your god, it will plague you like the devil. Henry Fielding

If you owe the bank $100 that’s your problem. If you owe the bank $100 million, that’s the bank’s problem.  J.P. Getty

If you see a bandwagon, it’s too late.  James Goldsmith

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments. Earl Wilson

Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair. Sam Ewing

It’s a kind of spiritual snobbery that makes people think they can be happy without money. Albert Camus

It’s good to have money and the things that money can buy, but it’s good, too, to check up once in a while and make sure that you haven’t lost the things that money can’t buy. George Horace Lorimer

It is an unfortunate human failing that a full pocketbook often groans more loudly than an empty stomach. Franklin Delano Roosevelt

It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating. Oscar Wilde

It is better to spend money like there’s no tomorrow than to spend tonight like there’s no money.  P.J. O’Rourke

It is in the character of very few men to honor without envy a friend who has prospered.  Aeschylus

It isn’t enough for you to love money; it’s also necessary that money should love you.  Kin Hubbard

It isn’t necessary to be rich and famous to be happy, it’s only necessary to be rich. Alan Alda

It is only by not paying ones bills that one can hope to live in the memory of the commercial classes. Oscar Wilde

It’s amazing how fast later comes when you buy now! Milton Berle

It’s morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money. WC Fields

Life shouldn’t be printed on dollar bills. Clifford Odets

Love lasteth as long as the money endureth. William Caxton

Money and women. They’re two of the strongest things in the world. The things you do for a woman you wouldn’t do for anything else.

Same with money. Satchel Paige

Money can’t buy friends, but you can get a better class of enemy. Spike Milligan

Money can’t buy happiness; it can, however, rent it. Unknown

Money can’t buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. Spike Milligan

Money costs too much. Ross MacDonald
Money is a good servant, but a dangerous master. Dominique Bouhours

Money is a headache, and money is the cure. Everett Mámor

Money is a terrible master but an excellent servant. P.T. Barnum

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons. Woody Allen

Money is like manure. You have to spread it around or it smells. J. Paul Getty

Money is like muck: not good unless it be spread. Francis Bacon

Money is neither my god nor my devil. It is a form of energy that tends to make us more of who we already are, whether it’s greedy or loving. Dan Millman

Money is power, freedom, a cushion, the root of all evil, the sum of blessings. Carl Sandburg

Money is something you have to make in case you don’t die. Max Asnas

Money is the opposite of the weather. Nobody talks about it, but everybody does something about it. Rebecca Johnson

Money is twice tainted: taint yours and taint mine. Mark Twain

Money isn’t everything, but it’s a long way ahead of what comes next. Edmund Stockdale

Money isn’t everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children. J. Paul Getty

Money isn’t the most important thing in life, but it’s reasonably close to oxygen on the “gotta have it” scale. Zig Ziglar

Money lent to a friend must be recovered from an enemy. German Proverb

Money may be the husk of many things but not the kernel. It brings you food, but not appetite; medicine, but not health; acquaintance, but not friends; servants, but not loyalty; days of joy, but not peace or happiness. Henrik Ibsen

Money often costs too much. Ralph Waldo Emerson

Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won’t buy the wag of his tail. Henry Wheeler Shaw

Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.  Bill Vaughn

My formula for success is rise early, work late and strike oil.  J.P. Getty

My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income. Errol Flynn

Never invest in anything that eats or needs repairing. Billy Rose

No matter how hard you hug your money, it never hugs back. H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

No matter how rich you become, how famous or powerful, when you die the size of your funeral will still pretty much depend on the weather.  Michael Pritchard

No one would remember the Good Samaritan if he’d only had good intentions. He had money, too.  Margaret Thatcher

Nothing more clearly show how little God esteems his gift to men of wealth, money, position and other wordly goods, than the way he distributes these, and the sort of men who are most amply provided with them.  Jean de la Bruyere

October: This is one of the particularly dangerous months to invest in stocks. Other dangerous months are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August and February.  Mark Twain

One of the strange things about life is that the poor, who need money the most, are the very ones that never have it.  Finley Peter Dunne

Only when the last tree has died and the last river been poisoned and the last fish been caught will we realise we cannot eat money. Cree Indian Proverb

Our incomes are like our shoes; if too small, they gall and pinch us; but if too large, they cause us to stumble and to trip.  John Locke
Part of the $10 million I spent on gambling, part on booze and part on women. The rest I spent foolishly. George Raft

Penny wise, pound foolish. Robert Burton

People are living longer than ever before, a phenomenon undoubtedly made necessary by the 30-year mortgage. Doug Larson

Poets, we know, are terribly sensitive people, and in my observation one of the things they are most sensitive about is money. Robert Penn Warren

Somebody said to me, ‘But the Beatles were anti-materialistic.’ That’s a huge myth. John and I literally used to sit down and say, ‘Now, let’s write a swimming pool.’  Paul McCartney

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did. Henny Youngman

The art is not in making money, but in keeping it. Proverb

The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money costs less.  Brendon Francis

The easiest way for your children to learn about money is for you not to have any. Katharine Whitehorn

The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on weather forecasters. Jean-Paul Kauffmann

The greatest luxury of riches is that they enable you to escape so much good advice. Arthur Helps

The hardest thing in the world to understand is income tax. Albert Einstein

The meek shall inherit the earth, but not the mineral rights.  J.P. Getty

The most popular labor-saving device is still money. Phyllis George

The only point is making money is, you can tell some big shot where to go. Humphrey Bogart

The only reason a great many American families don’t own an elephant is that they have never been offered an elephant for a dollar down and easy weekly payments. Mad Magazine

The only reason I made a commercial for American Express was to pay for my American Express bill. Peter Ustinov

The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money. Johnny Carson

The safe way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket. Frank Hubbard

The waste of money cures itself, for soon there is no more to waste. M.W. Harrison

There’s no money in poetry, but then there’s no poetry in money, either. Robert Graves

There are people who have money and people who are rich. Coco Chanel

There are three ways of losing money: racing is the quickest, women the most pleasant, and farming the most certain.  Lord Amherst

There is a very easy way to return from a casino with a small fortune: go there with a large one. Jack Yelton

There is nothing fundamentally wrong with America’s cities that money can’t cure.  Carl B. Stokes

There were times my pants were so thin I could sit on a dime and tell if it was heads or tails.  Spencer Tracy

There’s no reason to be the richest man in the cemetery. You can’t do any business from there.  Colonel Harlan Sanders

To make a million, start with $900,000.  Morton Shulman

Too much money is as demoralizing as too little, and there’s no such thing as exactly enough. Mignon McLaughlin

Try to save money, someday it may be valuable again. Anonymous

Undermine the entire economic structure of society by leaving the pay toilet door ajar so the next person can get in free.  Taylor Meade

Waste your money and you’re only out of money, but waste your time and you’ve lost a part of your life. Michael Leboeuf

We all know how the size of sums of money appears to vary in a remarkable way according as they are being paid in or paid out. Julian Huxley

We didn’t actually overspend our budget. The allocation simply fell short of our expenditure. Keith Davis

We live by the Golden Rule. Those who have the gold make the rules. Buzzie Bavasi

We may see the small value God has for riches, by the people he gives them to. Alexander Pope

We ought to change the legend on our money from “In God We Trust” to “In Money We Trust.” Because, as a nation, we’ve got far more faith in money these days than we do in God. Arthur Hoppe

Wealth is any income that is at least one hundred dollars a year more than the income of one’s wife’s sister’s husband. H.L. Mencken

What’s money without happiness? Baron Edward George Lytton

What’s the quickest way to become a millionaire?

What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money. Henny Youngman

When I have money, I get rid of it quickly, lest it find a way into my heart. John Wesley

When I was young I thought that money was the most important thing in life; now that I am old I know that it is. Oscar Wilde

When I was young I used to think that money was the most important thing in life and now that I am old, I know it is.”  Oscar Wilde

When a man’s stomach is full it makes no difference whether he is rich or poor.  Euripides

When a person with money meets a person with experience, the person with the experience winds up with the money and the person with the money winds up with the experience. Harvey MacKay

When it is a question of money, everybody is of the same religion. Voltaire

When people ask me if I have any spare change, I tell them I have it at home in my spare wallet. Nick Arnette

When you’ve got them by their wallets, their hearts and minds will follow. Fern Naito

Whoever said money can’t buy happiness simply didn’t know where shop. Bo Derek

Why is there so much month left at the end of the money? John Barrymore

Women prefer men who have something tender about them – especially legal tender.  Kay Ingram

You can’t buy love, but you can pay heavily for it Henny Youngman

You never realize how short a month is until you pay alimony. John Barrymore

This site contains affiliate links. To see more about what this means, see my disclosure policy here.