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Funny Life Quotes

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage. Mark Russell

A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized. Fred Allen

A compromise is an agreement whereby both parties get what neither of them wanted. Unknown

A gentleman is a man who can play the accordion but doesn’t. Unknown

Ability is what will get you to the top if the boss has no daughter. Unknown

A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid. Jack Benny

A signature always reveals a man’s character – and sometimes even his name. Evan Esar

After all, what is your host’s purpose in having a party? Surely not for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they’d have simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi. P.J. O’Rourke

Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else. Margaret Mead

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific. Jane Wagner

An expert is a man who tells you a simple thing in a confused way in such a fashion as to make you think the confusion is your own fault. William Castle

And on the eighth day God said, “Okay, Murphy, you’re in charge!” Unknown

Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry. George Ade

As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold. Unknown

Can we actually “know” the universe? My God, it’s hard enough finding your way around in Chinatown. Woody Allen

Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia. Charles Schulz

Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together. Oprah Winfrey

Eagles may soar in the clouds, but weasels never get sucked into jet engines. Attributed to both Jason Hutchison and John Benfield

Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn’t go far didn’t see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded. Tim Allen

Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap on-a-rope. Bill Cosby

Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save. Will Rogers

He’s turned his life around. He used to be depressed and miserable. Now he’s miserable and depressed. Harry Kalas, on Garry Maddox, 1981

Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then and I’m labeled senile. George Burns (Just you and me Kid, 1979)

He who believes that the past cannot be changed has not yet written his memoirs. Torvald Gahlin

How come there’s only one Monopolies Commission? Nigel Rees

How do the angels get to sleep when the devil leaves the porch light on? Tom Waits

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? Unknown

How is it that our memory is good enough to retain the least triviality that happens to us, and yet not good enough to recollect how often we have told it to the same person? François Duc de La Rochefoucauld

I don’t mind going back to daylight saving time. With inflation, the hour will be the only thing I’ve saved all year. Victor Borge

I have a theory about the human mind. A brain is a lot like a computer. It will only take so many facts, and then it will go into overload and blow up. Erma Bombeck

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three. Elayne Boosler

I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back. Fred Allen

I plan on living forever. So far, so good. Unknown

It’s always darkest before the dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it. Unknown

I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back. Rodney Dangerfield

I think any man in business would be foolish to fool around with his secretary. If it’s somebody else’s secretary, fine. Barry Goldwater

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. Unknown

I usually lump organized religion, organized labor, and organized crime together.

I’m not offended by all the dumb-blonde jokes because I know that I’m not dumb. I also know I’m not blonde. Dolly PartonIf you cannot answer a man’s argument, all it not lost; you can still call him vile names. Elbert Hubbard

If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire. Unknown

If you want to forget all your other troubles, wear too tight shoes. Unknown

In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window. Rodney Dangerfield

It used to take me all vacation to grow a new hide in place of the one they flogged off me during school term. Mark Twain

Just because you’re not paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you. Colin Sautar

Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself. Rita Mae Brown

Man was predestined to have free will. Hal Lee Luyah

Maybe this world is another planet’s hell. Aldous Huxley

Most people learn by observation, and there are the few who learn by experimentation. And then there are those who actually TOUCH the fire to see if it’s really hot. Anonymous

My doctor says that I have a malformed public-duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fiber, and that I am therefore excused from saving Universes. Douglas Adams

My father confused me. From the ages of one to seven, I thought my name was Jesus Christ! Bill Cosby

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So for today, I have finished 2 bags of M and M’s and a chocolate cake. I feel better already. Dave Barry

One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife! Rodney Dangerfield

Personally, I don’t think there’s intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one? Bob Monkhouse

Protect me from knowing what I don’t need to know. Protect me from even knowing that there are things to know that I don’t know. Protect me from knowing that I decided not to know about the things that I decided not to know about. Amen. Douglas Adams

Resolve is never stronger than in the morning after the night it was never weaker. From the movie Naked

Say what you will about the Ten Commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them. H.L. Mencken

She’s the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success wrong by wrong. Mae West

She was what we used to call a suicide blond – dyed by her own hand. Saul Bellow

Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he’ll have to touch it to be sure. Murphy’s Law

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong. Andy Rooney

The chicken came first – God would look silly sitting on an egg. Unknown

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. Unknown

The large print giveth, but the small print taketh away. Tom Waits

The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one. Erma Bombeck

The only thing that stops God from sending another flood is that the first one was useless. Nicholas Chamfort

The remarkable thing about Shakespeare is that he really is very good, in spite of all the people who say he is very good. Robert Graves

The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don’t. Douglas Adams

The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us. Bill Watterson, Calvin and Hobbes

The universe is merely a fleeting idea in God’s mind – a pretty uncomfortable thought, particularly if you’ve just made a down payment on a house. Woody Allen

Those who cannot remember the past will spend a lot of time looking for their cars in mall parking lots. Jay Trachman

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe. Albert Einstein

Today is the last day of some of your life. Unknown

When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep — not screaming, like the passengers in his car. Unknown

When I was young I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties I was considered eccentric.

When somebody tells you nothing is impossible, ask him to dribble a football. Unknown

Who says nothing is impossible. I’ve been doing nothing for years. Unknown

You can’t have everything… where would you put it? Steven Wright

 I’m short enough and ugly enough to succeed on my own. Woody Allen

 

 

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